Growing up I was afraid of a lot of things. Spiders, heights, ghosts,the dark, okay I still am afraid of all those things, somewhat. I did go skydiving this year, and I can carry a spider outside in a cup now.
There are other fears that get me though, the ones I don’t address. Ones no one likes to talk about-depression. Shit. Sucks even typing it. I’ve tried convincing myself it was a made up problem something prescription pill companies created to cure modern day boredom. Alas it keeps rearing its ugly head and I’m afraid that my depression is a lifelong affliction. One that I’ll never get ahold of completely.
Some days I wake up and wonder how I ever felt life was anything short of sensational. I fear not living long enough to see and do all the things that I desire such as; traveling to India, seeing the great pyramids of Egypt, making a martini, successfully flying a kite, having a nipple-gasm! Never having an Instagram account worth viewing (mine is amazing btw).
Then there are dark days, days where I question my own talents. Am I a good artist or are they just blobs of paint? Am I being a good parent? (Fuck you Pinterest , who can possibly craft like that?) Do I count in this universe or am I just waiting to be recycled into worm food? Is there really a reason for everything? Did I survive being crushed by a huge Elm in a storm just to lay here and blog? Was I meant for something great? Why did I survive that car crash, when Christina Jones never came home?
I grapple daily, nightly and sometimes afternoonly (I just wanted to write afternoonly). With these questions. I don’t want to be a life long case. I want the heaviness to go away. I want the endless joy of a Camp Anawanna summer to be my everyday mindset.
I think what most gets to me, is wondering..does anyone else ever feel like this?
Or is it just me? If a pill is the cure, I’ll keep searching for my own answers. I’m not saying they aren’t helpful. When in need they fit the bill. With some fun side affects, no sex drive is one.
Another is the inability to feel anything, at all. Like seriously a kitten could ask you for change (use your imagination here) and you would just walk right passed that kitten. You might even look him straight in his little kitten eyes and ask him for directions to the bank.
That’s the kind of numb I’m talking about!I can’t do that, not yet at least. I convince myself that, “I’m not at that level yet.” I’m trying for once to bring the little dirty fucker into the light. Expose him/her/it for the little coward it is. I believe strongly that there is power in transparency. I feel strength in calling it out by name.
I’m not alone. I’m a great artist, a loving mom who does her best and accepts that she is human capable of mistakes as well as greatness. I am here to experience it all, that’s exactly what I intend to do. The downs give way to ups, bring on the ups.