I never wanted to do this alone..

When I was a little girl I’d daydream about where butterflies were going off to, what clouds were made of, but mostly I pictured meeting my Prince Charming..

Well here I am at the beginning of what I feel adulthood is (thirty years old) and I’m no more closer to finding him then I was in my daydreams. I married at 19 thinking I knew exactly what I wanted and more importantly, what I was getting. I was wrong.

We screwed it up royally and after the birth of our son, the marriage was too damaged for either one of us to look at, without bitterness. He asked for a divorce and I reluctantly gave it to him.

I tore up photos, I pawned jewelry and I decided to start over. Taking with me the reassurance that I had always been the strong one in the marriage and I’d be better off.

It’s been almost 4 years and I’m still trying to find that strength. How did I lose his affection? I’m pretty right, so he should’ve stayed. I’m funny so he should’ve laughed with me till we were old. I cook, I keep a tidy home, I can drink a beer, play a hand of poker, I enjoy sex. He should’ve stayed. Where did I lose his love? According to all the old movies I had seen when I was a kid I was the perfect wife..

I see people, I see everyday average, happy people. They hold hands, they flirt, they argue, they kiss but they stay together.

I never wanted to do this alone.. I never wanted to plan birthdays for the kids without any input, (should I get the purple streamers to go with flowers I bought her or the blue ones because she loves blue this year?) never having a back up voice of support when I discipline, or a shoulder to pout on when I feel bad for yelling at them. I could go on and on.

I’m looking, I’m after that relationship. The kind of love that keeps you fighting over the blanket at night.

He doesn’t have to be dashing, or ride up on a white steed. I don’t know what he looks like, but he holds me when I can’t hold myself up. He looks at his phone, when I’m running late and it’s pouring out, he enjoys my snorty laughter, my goofy toes, my insane organizing issues. He holds my babies when I’m too sick to, and he tries to cook dinner even if it’s out of a can.

I’m always looking, still daydreaming.. What’s taking him so damn long?

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One thought on “I never wanted to do this alone..

  1. Ugh, so well put. Idk Heather where I went wrong either. It seems so unfair some days to look around and see cheaters and liars and mean people get the entire piece of the pie and I still get only some of it. Rather than dwell on how much others have though, I’ve somehow sharpened my skill set to be able to only focus on the “what I do haves”. My kids, my life. The pain is still deep no matter how much I can or can’t appreciate what I do have.

    Sometimes, I just believe my wounds are too deep for healing but other times I call bullshit bc again looking around, I see other people who can move on from the past. I know my loyalty and love are deep though so maybe I’m just the one that loses this race. I’m stuck somewhere in a mud pit unable to get out with again no one there to help me. The irony of it all.

    Every night I close my eyes and pray someone will come rescue me someday, someday the right person will look back one more time and just see I’m still stuck. The race shut down a long time ago but sometimes people wander old ruins and there I’ll be❤️.

    I have to no way to comfort you bc I to am where you are. I can only relate and share my experience as well.

    I’m sorry for your pain, my sister. Love u.

    Like

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